Forgiven
The following was written in 1992, as a way of processing the death of my biological father. Forgiven expresses many of the childhood emotions - sadness, anger, rage, fear, loneliness and frustration that was felt and experienced during that time. Ultimately in and through Forgiving, I forgave myself.
This is the first recorded poem to ever come through these hands and is inspired from one of my favorite author's and favorite poem's at the time and still currently, A.A. Milne's Now We Are Six .
This is the first recorded poem to ever come through these hands and is inspired from one of my favorite author's and favorite poem's at the time and still currently, A.A. Milne's Now We Are Six .
When I was one, I had just begun, to say your name and suck my thumb.
When I was two, I hardly knew, the awful things, you planned to do.
When I was three, I started to see, that you were the monster after me.
When I was four, I knew much more, I taught myself to lock the door.
When I was five, I sat and cried, I had first thoughts of suicide.
When I was six, I decided to hide, all my feelings, deep inside.
When I was six, I deduced to hide, all my feelings, deep inside.
When I was seven, I prayed to Heaven, to take your life, so I could live again.
When I was eight, I stayed awake, to fight you off when it was late.
When I was nine, I tried to find, someone to help me, no one had time.
When I was ten, it started again; I made a pact to hate all men.
When I was eleven, you told my mom, that I was evil - you were wrong.
When I was twelve, life was hell, I was becoming a woman; I hated myself.
When I was tirteen, you could not see, that you were losing control of me.
When I was fourteen, I said "No More!" The police came and put you behind barred doors.
When I was sixteen, I thought I had nothing left, I took 100 pills and waited for death.
When I was seventeen, I had an attack; I had no idea there were such things as "flashbacks."
When I was eighteen, there was more to be seen, the touching was not all you had done to me.
When I was nineteen, my mind was a mess; they put me in the hospital and labeled me "depressed."
When I was twenty, I began to feel strong; God had taken your life and now you are gone.
Now I am twenty-one and can say at last:
"I truly forgive you for the mistakes of the past."
Unfortunately, I was unable to find the forgiveness that I have for you now, until after you left this world. But in my heart, there is now a light that shines with bright memories, the ones I had forgotten because the darkness of hate and anger blocked them from shining through. I love and forgive you, may you know this wherever you may be.
Your daughter,
~Joy (1992)
Your daughter,
~Joy (1992)