January 29th, 2018

A LIFE LESS WRITTEN
Who Dies?
Joy A. Sters
January 19, 2018




VANISHED
Joy A. Sters
January 19, 2018, 1:06am
(Written in The Sacred Space)


Years ago …
So many moons …
You Vanished from my View
Taking with you all I knew of 


You and I


How can one’s memory
Be wiped so clean?
Years spent holding hands
Was all a dream.
You took our life
Walked out the door
Distanced yourself
Gave no more.


Are you closer now?


Can you get into all the places
I tried to keep you out of?
I didn’t want you there.
I didn’t want you to know
That you could hurt me.


So angry.
So angry with you.
So angry.


It was probably you 
that was always with me
As I dreamed of someone else.


I could never be with you.
I held so much against you.
I didn’t want to be the strong one.
I wanted you to be so much.
I wanted you to be everything
I couldn’t, wouldn’t?


I could never see you.
It was the same with Mikel.
I could never see you.


You Vanished


And I did not search for you.
You called and I slammed the door.
All I could see is you mocking me.
You can’t rage against 
someone who 
Just disappears.


Vanishes.


You just …
Disappeared.
Vanished.
Gone.


I always thought we would 
Come back together.
Be Friends.
True Friends.
I did think that.
We had too much in common.
Were so much alike
To not come back together again.


But we won’t now.
Or we have more fully.
Who can ever say.
I know where you Truly Live.


I will always remember …
How scared we were …
Like two little children
Standing in front of a candy store.


You and I.


You were afraid to go in.
So was I. So was I.
But I took your hand
And we walked in together.
I will never forget that.
In that we are 
Forever
Brothers.


I do know how alone 
you were.
I know it right now.




                                                                  ***


The other day … in the last document of A LIFE LESS WRITTEN # 05 I got up and deleted or typed over:


                              “God has no voice, but uses all voices.”


Or something like that or similar … it is no longer in memory but when that came through it was a very powerful statement … one that was not intellectually understood but completely grokked. However, then something in my person shifted and I didn’t want the insight. I wanted it to go away and so this was typed over it before the document was ended: 


“When I die it will be a relief for most people, which is a pretty good gift to give someone … most people when someone they know dies end up with grief and pain and anger and agony pretty sucky fuct up gifts, but the gift of relief! That’s amazing!”


Now it is two daze later and someone I was very close to at one time has passed. Has died. Has Vanished. And it is so strange because all of the recent Writing … in looking back … in retrospect is as if it is leading up to this as if the intuitive side was/is preparing the blow to not be so great. 


You see everything so differently after someone you love dies. You see everything very differently. 


                                          It’s been raining for two daze.


I was looking at death as if it would be my own … as if life is preparing me to die … removing so many “others” from my person. Maybe it still is so, but I was surprised to hear you passed. I don’t feel it. Not at the moment. What a very strange thing life is and death is and life is after … after the ones you love leave. 


                                       You left me a very long time ago. 


It feels long now. It feels very long ago. You said I was leaving you … even though you walked out the door. I didn’t think you were lying. I just didn’t see it as true. I still don’t. I don’t see it as true or untrue … I just don’t see it. Nothing about how I once saw this life is true. 


                                                        Nothing.


I don’t know if I will live. I mean really live. Live fully. I don’t know if I have that ability or if that ability will come into fruition. I keep waiting for something to open me. Nothing does. I want someone to come and open the Fortress doors, but I keep building thicker walls.


                    Did you? Did you build thick walls while you were away?


I don’t want to cry. If I cry it must be for you. Not for me. No more tears for me. I felt you asking for me. One occasion … one which I didn’t write anything down. I never wrote about you. Almost never. I never questioned why  … well maybe once or twice but I never wanted to say a bad thing about you and sometimes I was oozing at the seams with them. But it was never because you are bad and maybe that is why it was not written because it was just venting. Venting one’s own frustrations with themselves and projecting it on the “other.” Maybe I always knew that even though unconscious. 


                                               I was not coming back.

                                             I couldn’t turn around.


I gave myself away … to someone else … without intention and certainly not to hurt or get even with you. I know you know that. I know you know I didn’t do things to hurt you. I don’t think you did either. Ok maybe once or twice I thought it but I figured you had to process certain things out. 


Your family must be taking this hard. I am so glad you were close with your mom and began to grow closer with your dad. I wish I was not such a self-absorbed person and could have been there for you more. I am so glad you knew I love you. I had thought many things about “us” but there has never been any doubt about the love … the Love … The Love. 


                                                        MyBrother. 


Will you make me Speak. Will you make me Speak now? Nothing ever comes to be Said. Words do not come. These are not Words. Not really. I know you know what I mean. 


                                            The Rain sounds beautiful. 


So much of life just slips right through one’s fingers. It is so easy to miss someone that is dead and so hard to reach out to the living. Oh my god we showed each other so much didn’t we! There are so many doors I can now walk through because we did together. 


                                                          Hard Times. 
                                                    Very Hard Times. 


Which is probably why so much was held against you. Did you hold much against me? I don’t know how or why you have died. You never had too much holding you together. I owe so much to you but not in a way most would hear that word. “Owe.” I Owe things that can never be repaid only Gifted in the Moment one is in. Be Alive in me. Ok? Be Alive in me. Give me the balls I couldn’t have when you were Alive. Help me to Live before I die so that others can “Owe” Gifts they can Pay Forward. Help me not be so afraid of Love. Of Loving. 


                                   Don’t let your Life be wasted on me.


I am coming into the Happy Time right now … thank God because if this had happened last week I might be there with you. And why I am thanking God for that I don’t know. This last Dark Time was so intense that I was actually going back to my 14 years old self and attempting to convince it to really kill itself. 


                                                 It seems crazy now. 


But I couldn’t see that it would get better for that one … that 14 year old one … only worse and worse and worse and so I sort of begged it to find pills that would really do the trick. At 14 I would wipe out everything. Everyone. Anything after the age of 14 others would be deeply affected. I would be fucking up more people than I can handle. 


                                                          Anyway. 
                                                         Whatever. 


Did you have to go through that? Was the Dark Time I had last week or the week before or whenever that was … was it that hard for you too? I have forgotten your Dark Times but you had them. I can only vaguely remember the thoughts that would have you spinning … did they come back? … To haunt you?


I want to write to Wayneji … but say what? Sorry you lost another son. You were a son to him … a Son for a time. He took you so far under his wing you were barely visible at times. You took him in too huh? His shoes are too big for anyone and I wanted you to wear them so badly but when you did I all I would see was how big they are. 


                                            I am a blind one walking. 


You know who told me you passed? Patrick. He didn’t even tell me he just said something about being shocked. I only read it a few hours ago and it is from a few daze ago … I went to your Facebook of all things … I already knew before I got there … but I went for confirmation … how sad huh … that is how distanced I am from life … that I find out about death of someone so very close to me at one time … so very close and yet now so far that Facebook is the announcement?


I don’t know how in the world Tman is taking this. I don’t know what your relationship with him has been like the last five years. Not a clue. I know you went to Africa together a few years ago and am so glad you did that. I haven’t talked to Tman. Not in months … well actually not in years but I haven’t shared words with him in months.


There is a WRITING PRACTICE that came through from one of Wayneji’s Pointings that:


                                                “Every Death is your own.”


Have you touched many lives since we parted ways? This man says this about you:


                                              Alexander Diaz
                                                   January 17 at 11:34pm ·


My good friend Dan Weale passed away on Monday, I received the news today.

Not many people knew about Dan, but he was my neighbor up until a year ago. When I first met Dan, I thought he was a square. It wasn’t until after a few months of Dan living next to me that I learned he was far from that.

Dan earned his CPA at a young age, then decided the corporate life wasn’t for him and moved up north to assess property value, many years later he moved down to Los Angeles to pursue a career in acting.

Once Dan and I got to know each other and became good friends it was a daily ritual that I would come barging in after work to share our stories for the day. I learned a lot from Dan, I learned to not take life so serious. I learned that you can have it all, but it’s easier to have nothing. I looked up to him in certain ways. He was at times the cool dad that I always wanted. In many ways, my friendship with Dan shaped a lot of who i am today.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. So this is my goodbye.

See you in the afterlife, Weale.


You really are a good friend but a very challenging Lover/Husband. I know you absolutely can say the same about me so this isn’t about that. I have taken a long time to heal from our relationship. But even the last few months things have been shifting … I have seen it but I also saw that I couldn’t ever go back. Not that you were asking but it came up a few times as if you were and it just didn’t ever seem possible. All the old patterns would come up. But you kept/keep touching lives … that’s what you do … that’s what you did and you open minds … that’s what you do … that’s what you did. I am sure that you have gifted Tman very many different ways of seeing the world. I hope you two had grown closer.


                                                          Goddammit. 


The mind is going to close up again. It is wide open right now with a flood of all the amazing things we faced together. We really did huh. On the edge of one’s seat kind of things. I trusted you enough to let go and see everyone in you. 


In fact … holy shit … I didn’t write it down because I just don’t write about you. Until now. But I saw you recently … about a month ago … in the mirror again … just as real and closely as I had seen you that one time looking in the mirror at MU … both times have been Ganja enhanced but that did not lessen the blow. I saw you and I didn’t turn away. We had a short conversation … not with mouths but in the Heart. I said, in a sense, that you are welcome here always but that I wasn’t coming back. Couldn’t. Too much has shifted. But I saw you … me as you. I don’t know what any of that means. I was just glad not to have wanted to move away from you. To have you in me and be ok with that seems/ed HUGE at the time as if air was clearing out between us. I had forgotten that until just now.


                                                  Holy Shit you are dead. 


The feelings are coming now. Raw. For You. Raw for you.


         I couldn’t feel you for so very long. To angry. To pain-filled. To Raw.


Oh god you were so stubborn. Sometimes trying to budge you would weaken me so much. I forget how challenging it must have been with you on the other end attempting to hold your ground.


I have imagined at some points in time that some of the things I have written might hurt you. They never were meant to. I imagine you know that, but I also imagine that didn’t make it any easier. I couldn’t not write just not to hurt you. Do you know that now? 


Strange that I can write about you now that you are gone. I didn’t want to give too much away about you … maybe … it’s hard to say now. It’s really hard to say why now I can say so much. Maybe because I know now it won’t hurt you. But I won’t say anything you wouldn’t say yourself. I am so sorry I shut you up. You were such a free flowing person at one time but when we came together I wanted to hide and you didn’t and then I didn’t and you did.


Was this Dark Time so hard for me because you were leaving? Were we … are we still that close that my Heart Strings were crippling me as they did you? I remember being your mother a few times. You were such a scared little boy. I couldn’t ease your fears but I could hold you and did. I made you face so many fears didn’t I? Didn’t we? We faced so many fears together and apart, but together. You opened me. Sexually. You prepared me. Oh god it was not easy for you. You were so afraid and tender too. I often see tenderness as weakness. It’s not, but it is often seen that way in my person. You know who I saw us like … lately … within the last year or so I saw us coming together like Pat and her ex-husband Frank … except that we would both still be in EOTS … but that was just some fantasy … my whole life is a fantasy. Thank you for facing the challenge that I am. I didn’t always appreciate it. I am sure the cracks that are starting to appear in my person will allow the Light to break through some un-serving stories. Death always does. It aways breaks up what I have lied to myself about. 


                                Hidden behind to keep the pain away.


Often I have thought that I will never be capable of a “real” relationship because of how I turned on you. How something so bright could become so dark. How there is a fine line between love and hate. But I stayed. I stayed for a long time. Even when I would get so scared of you … I stayed. Even when I had no idea who you are. I stayed. Usually … even until this day … when the Dark Times come and I don’t recognize anyone … the world shifts from bright to dark and people I know become scary strangers … I run and close the door and hide in my room until it passes. But I didn’t with you. Even when you became the scary monster I stayed. I think that changed something dramatically in my person. To stay with the one that is feared. It has happened with so few people in this life … usually I run far far away, even if I don’t move an inch.


I don’t understand any of this. I am no closer to understanding death but it is happening more and more in this life. Soon I will know no one in this world. I have so few that I know. Soon there will be no one left that I now know. 


It’s three am now. A little over two hours since finding out. The feeling of wanting to vomit is here. A gagging of sorts. I am going to go read an email you sent me … at random … anyone will do. I went to the EOTS HEART folder that I have which was created over a decade ago when I was in EOTS and would put things in there that touched my Heart. I didn’t even have to type in “Dan” it just was the first post the eyes laid upon (the first is from me and the second is his response to it). It’s from June 14, 2006: 


Joysters wrote:

Please just scrape this into the trash can...I don't know what I read below...I read it again and heard something totally different. Maybe I am not used to hearing Dan with an authority or as an authority and it sounded different without the "Teaching" but when I heard the Teaching then the authority fell in line. 
 
 If that makes any sense I guess it doesn't matter but I hear it different
 now. It's hard to hear Dan cause of the way we are with one another. 

I don't hear Dan...not in the way I heard it the third time through. I hear Dan through filtered ears and the filter is one of attempting to protect myself...so I hear him alot as if he is attacking me. Maybe it is because I've attacked him and so I expect attack, maybe it is because he has attacked  me at times. I don't know and it doesn't matter now. 
 
The first two times I read Dan's post it sounded like he was a bossy-know-it-all. The 3rd I read it it came through selflessly. Like always awareness will do it's work :o)
 
Dan...I look forward to hearing you :o)


Dan Wrote:


I’m not sure if anyone can tell, but I'm a glutton for punishment. (just kidding Susan, put the whips away...well, for now anyway ;)) ) You know, when Joy first told me what she had written to James and I there was
an instant defense that came up. Like I had to prove to Joy that what I had written to Rebecca was 'right' and that what she was seeing in me was 'off', or even 'on, but not overly relevant'. But that passed pretty quick. Well, it seemed to because Joy came upstairs after me after I quietly left the breakfast table (where she initially told me of her response), and apologized for 'being irritating'. (some apology, huh? ;)) )

But when I got to work it was clear it hadn't completely passed, as I started crafting a response to Joy that seemed to lay out my side, while getting in a few jabs of my own. After looking at it though, I saved the response into my drafts folder. I then saw James had responded and then Ted, and that Joy responded again. At that point I was just kind of appreciating the exchange, and really feeling into it on Joy's side. Well, really just kind of appreciating her. Appreciating the dynamics between us and, well...loving her. And when I saw the post above, all there was left was a Knowing, and a deep caring for the one I call my wife.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe just to here. But I do know that myJoysters is mylittlebaby. Mysweetbaby. We may get into
it like cats and dogs at times, but there's something underneath all of it that makes even the cat and dogging special. Something that kind of says: I don't care what you say. I love you. :)

It's also the same thing that allows Joy the room to say what she says. Though I may tell her she's off her rocker, I still listen to her. I Hear her, and if there's something to be Seen, it generally will be, even if it apparently takes a bit of time.

Joy and I are getting to be quite a unit. Those on the outside looking in may not think that's the case, but they don't see what I do. Or you do.

Yeah sure, maybe we've got a ways to go in a lot of relationship areas, but
that's why we're together, isn't it?

Cruising along on the SS Mu-now. (pronounced like Minnow)

Yup. :)
 -Dan


In a sense, that could sum up our relationship. Deep Love. Not dependent on anything … even being active in each other’s lives. He Knew me. I Knew him. You can’t save another person, but you can Know them.


Funny … strange things pop into the mind as remembrances … but just this week … well this week has Uma (EOTS) birthday in it and it came up on quite a few occasions to Draw a Birthday Card for her because she is the only one left in EOTS I haven’t made one for … but I didn’t. I thought too much time has passed. Uma doesn’t even like me. Why would you make a card for someone that doesn’t like you and who you haven’t even shared any words with in a very long time. I just didn’t do it. That is the bottom line and I think I was still angry. I think some anger came up around sending her a card. I don’t know now I just know I didn’t do it. Sort of wish I had now … just to touch base. I miss those guys. But I am tired of knocking on the door. Happy Belated Birthday Uma. UmaLooma. I hope you are well. I’ve thought about you lately … even before knowing it was your Birthday. I had thought about you as I feel I am probably entering into menopause and you once mentioned how happy you were that it finally arrived … one of the few women, if only woman I ever heard say that about menopause … but you did … said you were so happy to see the highs and lows the rollercoaster of fertility gone. I have shared a few precious moments with you Uma. I have a few tender memories stored in the Mind’s Eye of you and I.


                                                              ***


I  almost forgot and hardly know how that is possible now that it is being vividly remembered … but yesterday I had a rip-roaring-mind-splitting headache. Nothing would get rid of it. Not aspirin. Not Pot. Not sleep. Nothing. So I stopped trying. It just ran its course and this morning or night upon waking … it was gone and forgotten until just now. I suppose it seems more impacting or important knowing that Dan has passed. It is so strange how it is not sinking in. It’s just bringing up memories. Why can’t life bring up good memories before someone dies so that you get in touch with them. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, but I wish I had now. I wish I had just slightly touched based. Something. Anything. But as always … I did nothing. I don’t know what makes people fall apart. Dan has made this more obvious than ever. I went from wife to no one in what seemed like two-seconds flat … and he went from husband to no one in the same amount of time. How do you claim you love someone and then it just fizzles? Fizzles so completely that you don’t speak or have any communication at all for years. How do you fall for someone else so fast? What I saw so clearly is if it could happen with him it could with anyone. That things that you say don’t last. Even when you make commitments to one another … but I could never make a commitment to him. I tried. Clearly made valid attempts and couldn’t do it. I Love(d) him but never in the way I portrayed it. Or the mind and memory plays such crazy tricks that you never know … you can’t ever know if anything you say is really True. It all washes away but what remains is TRUE. What remains when all words have failed is:

                                                               TRUE.




                                                                   ***


OMG! I am always so close and yet so far!!!!! If I had just been one bus stop down the road … I would have been standing right in front of Him! GRRR! 

                                          (Photo removed for privacy)

Isn’t that sic? Come on! It’s like living here for what … over a year with Him living only .3 miles away and seeing him once … maybe twice the entire time! 


                                  What a strange and twisted thing life is. 


I wonder if He knew I was there … why would He put that He works there up today? And did it while I was there? He put that He works there on his FB today! It’s a pawn shop. I hope He doesn’t let people pawn their things for addicting drugs! LOL. I am sure absolutely no drug addict wants to hear that! 


When I was standing there at the bus stop … I had the thought show up to go down the road to the next stop more than one time … maybe five times! Because where I was standing didn’t smell too good. But I didn’t. I didn’t go. Didn’t budge. OMG! I don’t know how I didn’t go! 


                                                               Stoop!


How can you constantly be so close and so far. Why did life bring this man into my world? Do you ever get to know? What would have happened anyway even if I went one bus stop down … He would have thought I was a nut. I was bouncing all around out there … nerves ... nervous. Overstimulated. Had gone to a THC and Cannabis Fair and totally got overwhelmed and freaked and left after less than an hour. Bumped into Glenn from This and That in Etna. Just as I was running out the door. It was very strange because I so rarely see a familiar face. It was a very brief encounter. He looks well though.


                                                               ***


Good Lord! Life is so freaking strange. You know I am freaking about it. Like a school girl! God! Grrrr! Duh! D’oh!


                                                               ***


Saturday night … FRANK OCEAN sent in a post saying there is an update to a song he’s been working on with the band N.E.R.D. which I was turned onto a few months ago through the songs LEMON and 1000:


              “The Truth will set you Free, but first it will piss you off.”


I never went and listened to the full album … however I went to Spotify just now and listened to the FRANK version of:


                                                 DON’T DO IT


And was like D - A - M - N  that’s good! So I just left the album playing and was finding song after song to just hit the fucking nail on the head and was bouncing all around! It is so rare to have an entire album suck one in but it is so DAMN good I listened to it 2x in row!!! And speaking of DAMN guess who is featured on a few of their songs … yeah you guessed it:


                                           KENDRICK LAMAR!


Ha! Such a small Artistical world … also on the album is ANDRE 3000 and Rhianna, Ed Sheeran, Future, Wale and M.I.A! Who I was so surprised to hear her because I haven’t ever heard her featured on anyone else’s work so when her voice just came out of no where I was like YEAH! You go Girl! Gucci Mane is also on it but I am only a bit familiar with his work. And of course FRANK!!! :o) It’s a fucking awesome album … even better Ganga enhanced! Listened to it the second time through after a few tokes of SOUR D.


Best album of 2018! 


Already! Even though it is probably is from 2017. It’s 2018 for me! We are only 20 days in and already I have the album of the year! And look at the title of the Album … which I will end this LIFE LESS WRITTEN on:​