A LIFE LESS WRITTEN
Joy A. Sters
January 19, 2018
Joy A. Sters
January 19, 2018, 1:06am
(Written in The Sacred Space)
Years ago …
So many moons …
You Vanished from my View
Taking with you all I knew of
You and I
How can one’s memory
Be wiped so clean?
Years spent holding hands
Was all a dream.
You took our life
Walked out the door
Gave no more.
Are you closer now?
Can you get into all the places
I tried to keep you out of?
I didn’t want you there.
I didn’t want you to know
That you could hurt me.
So angry with you.
It was probably you
that was always with me
As I dreamed of someone else.
I could never be with you.
I held so much against you.
I didn’t want to be the strong one.
I wanted you to be so much.
I wanted you to be everything
I couldn’t, wouldn’t?
I could never see you.
It was the same with Mikel.
I could never see you.
And I did not search for you.
You called and I slammed the door.
All I could see is you mocking me.
You can’t rage against
You just …
I always thought we would
Come back together.
I did think that.
We had too much in common.
Were so much alike
To not come back together again.
But we won’t now.
Or we have more fully.
Who can ever say.
I know where you Truly Live.
I will always remember …
How scared we were …
Like two little children
Standing in front of a candy store.
You and I.
You were afraid to go in.
So was I. So was I.
But I took your hand
And we walked in together.
I will never forget that.
In that we are
I do know how alone
I know it right now.
The other day … in the last document of A LIFE LESS WRITTEN # 05 I got up and deleted or typed over:
“God has no voice, but uses all voices.”
Or something like that or similar … it is no longer in memory but when that came through it was a very powerful statement … one that was not intellectually understood but completely grokked. However, then something in my person shifted and I didn’t want the insight. I wanted it to go away and so this was typed over it before the document was ended:
“When I die it will be a relief for most people, which is a pretty good gift to give someone … most people when someone they know dies end up with grief and pain and anger and agony pretty sucky fuct up gifts, but the gift of relief! That’s amazing!”
Now it is two daze later and someone I was very close to at one time has passed. Has died. Has Vanished. And it is so strange because all of the recent Writing … in looking back … in retrospect is as if it is leading up to this as if the intuitive side was/is preparing the blow to not be so great.
You see everything so differently after someone you love dies. You see everything very differently.
It’s been raining for two daze.
I was looking at death as if it would be my own … as if life is preparing me to die … removing so many “others” from my person. Maybe it still is so, but I was surprised to hear you passed. I don’t feel it. Not at the moment. What a very strange thing life is and death is and life is after … after the ones you love leave.
You left me a very long time ago.
It feels long now. It feels very long ago. You said I was leaving you … even though you walked out the door. I didn’t think you were lying. I just didn’t see it as true. I still don’t. I don’t see it as true or untrue … I just don’t see it. Nothing about how I once saw this life is true.
I don’t know if I will live. I mean really live. Live fully. I don’t know if I have that ability or if that ability will come into fruition. I keep waiting for something to open me. Nothing does. I want someone to come and open the Fortress doors, but I keep building thicker walls.
Did you? Did you build thick walls while you were away?
I don’t want to cry. If I cry it must be for you. Not for me. No more tears for me. I felt you asking for me. One occasion … one which I didn’t write anything down. I never wrote about you. Almost never. I never questioned why … well maybe once or twice but I never wanted to say a bad thing about you and sometimes I was oozing at the seams with them. But it was never because you are bad and maybe that is why it was not written because it was just venting. Venting one’s own frustrations with themselves and projecting it on the “other.” Maybe I always knew that even though unconscious.
I was not coming back.
I couldn’t turn around.
I gave myself away … to someone else … without intention and certainly not to hurt or get even with you. I know you know that. I know you know I didn’t do things to hurt you. I don’t think you did either. Ok maybe once or twice I thought it but I figured you had to process certain things out.
Your family must be taking this hard. I am so glad you were close with your mom and began to grow closer with your dad. I wish I was not such a self-absorbed person and could have been there for you more. I am so glad you knew I love you. I had thought many things about “us” but there has never been any doubt about the love … the Love … The Love.
Will you make me Speak. Will you make me Speak now? Nothing ever comes to be Said. Words do not come. These are not Words. Not really. I know you know what I mean.
The Rain sounds beautiful.
So much of life just slips right through one’s fingers. It is so easy to miss someone that is dead and so hard to reach out to the living. Oh my god we showed each other so much didn’t we! There are so many doors I can now walk through because we did together.
Very Hard Times.
Which is probably why so much was held against you. Did you hold much against me? I don’t know how or why you have died. You never had too much holding you together. I owe so much to you but not in a way most would hear that word. “Owe.” I Owe things that can never be repaid only Gifted in the Moment one is in. Be Alive in me. Ok? Be Alive in me. Give me the balls I couldn’t have when you were Alive. Help me to Live before I die so that others can “Owe” Gifts they can Pay Forward. Help me not be so afraid of Love. Of Loving.
Don’t let your Life be wasted on me.
I am coming into the Happy Time right now … thank God because if this had happened last week I might be there with you. And why I am thanking God for that I don’t know. This last Dark Time was so intense that I was actually going back to my 14 years old self and attempting to convince it to really kill itself.
It seems crazy now.
But I couldn’t see that it would get better for that one … that 14 year old one … only worse and worse and worse and so I sort of begged it to find pills that would really do the trick. At 14 I would wipe out everything. Everyone. Anything after the age of 14 others would be deeply affected. I would be fucking up more people than I can handle.
Did you have to go through that? Was the Dark Time I had last week or the week before or whenever that was … was it that hard for you too? I have forgotten your Dark Times but you had them. I can only vaguely remember the thoughts that would have you spinning … did they come back? … To haunt you?
I want to write to Wayneji … but say what? Sorry you lost another son. You were a son to him … a Son for a time. He took you so far under his wing you were barely visible at times. You took him in too huh? His shoes are too big for anyone and I wanted you to wear them so badly but when you did I all I would see was how big they are.
I am a blind one walking.
You know who told me you passed? Patrick. He didn’t even tell me he just said something about being shocked. I only read it a few hours ago and it is from a few daze ago … I went to your Facebook of all things … I already knew before I got there … but I went for confirmation … how sad huh … that is how distanced I am from life … that I find out about death of someone so very close to me at one time … so very close and yet now so far that Facebook is the announcement?
I don’t know how in the world Tman is taking this. I don’t know what your relationship with him has been like the last five years. Not a clue. I know you went to Africa together a few years ago and am so glad you did that. I haven’t talked to Tman. Not in months … well actually not in years but I haven’t shared words with him in months.
There is a WRITING PRACTICE that came through from one of Wayneji’s Pointings that:
“Every Death is your own.”
Have you touched many lives since we parted ways? This man says this about you:
January 17 at 11:34pm ·
My good friend Dan Weale passed away on Monday, I received the news today.
Not many people knew about Dan, but he was my neighbor up until a year ago. When I first met Dan, I thought he was a square. It wasn’t until after a few months of Dan living next to me that I learned he was far from that.
Dan earned his CPA at a young age, then decided the corporate life wasn’t for him and moved up north to assess property value, many years later he moved down to Los Angeles to pursue a career in acting.
Once Dan and I got to know each other and became good friends it was a daily ritual that I would come barging in after work to share our stories for the day. I learned a lot from Dan, I learned to not take life so serious. I learned that you can have it all, but it’s easier to have nothing. I looked up to him in certain ways. He was at times the cool dad that I always wanted. In many ways, my friendship with Dan shaped a lot of who i am today.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. So this is my goodbye.
See you in the afterlife, Weale.
You really are a good friend but a very challenging Lover/Husband. I know you absolutely can say the same about me so this isn’t about that. I have taken a long time to heal from our relationship. But even the last few months things have been shifting … I have seen it but I also saw that I couldn’t ever go back. Not that you were asking but it came up a few times as if you were and it just didn’t ever seem possible. All the old patterns would come up. But you kept/keep touching lives … that’s what you do … that’s what you did and you open minds … that’s what you do … that’s what you did. I am sure that you have gifted Tman very many different ways of seeing the world. I hope you two had grown closer.
The mind is going to close up again. It is wide open right now with a flood of all the amazing things we faced together. We really did huh. On the edge of one’s seat kind of things. I trusted you enough to let go and see everyone in you.
In fact … holy shit … I didn’t write it down because I just don’t write about you. Until now. But I saw you recently … about a month ago … in the mirror again … just as real and closely as I had seen you that one time looking in the mirror at MU … both times have been Ganja enhanced but that did not lessen the blow. I saw you and I didn’t turn away. We had a short conversation … not with mouths but in the Heart. I said, in a sense, that you are welcome here always but that I wasn’t coming back. Couldn’t. Too much has shifted. But I saw you … me as you. I don’t know what any of that means. I was just glad not to have wanted to move away from you. To have you in me and be ok with that seems/ed HUGE at the time as if air was clearing out between us. I had forgotten that until just now.
Holy Shit you are dead.
The feelings are coming now. Raw. For You. Raw for you.
I couldn’t feel you for so very long. To angry. To pain-filled. To Raw.
Oh god you were so stubborn. Sometimes trying to budge you would weaken me so much. I forget how challenging it must have been with you on the other end attempting to hold your ground.
I have imagined at some points in time that some of the things I have written might hurt you. They never were meant to. I imagine you know that, but I also imagine that didn’t make it any easier. I couldn’t not write just not to hurt you. Do you know that now?
Strange that I can write about you now that you are gone. I didn’t want to give too much away about you … maybe … it’s hard to say now. It’s really hard to say why now I can say so much. Maybe because I know now it won’t hurt you. But I won’t say anything you wouldn’t say yourself. I am so sorry I shut you up. You were such a free flowing person at one time but when we came together I wanted to hide and you didn’t and then I didn’t and you did.
Was this Dark Time so hard for me because you were leaving? Were we … are we still that close that my Heart Strings were crippling me as they did you? I remember being your mother a few times. You were such a scared little boy. I couldn’t ease your fears but I could hold you and did. I made you face so many fears didn’t I? Didn’t we? We faced so many fears together and apart, but together. You opened me. Sexually. You prepared me. Oh god it was not easy for you. You were so afraid and tender too. I often see tenderness as weakness. It’s not, but it is often seen that way in my person. You know who I saw us like … lately … within the last year or so I saw us coming together like Pat and her ex-husband Frank … except that we would both still be in EOTS … but that was just some fantasy … my whole life is a fantasy. Thank you for facing the challenge that I am. I didn’t always appreciate it. I am sure the cracks that are starting to appear in my person will allow the Light to break through some un-serving stories. Death always does. It aways breaks up what I have lied to myself about.
Hidden behind to keep the pain away.
Often I have thought that I will never be capable of a “real” relationship because of how I turned on you. How something so bright could become so dark. How there is a fine line between love and hate. But I stayed. I stayed for a long time. Even when I would get so scared of you … I stayed. Even when I had no idea who you are. I stayed. Usually … even until this day … when the Dark Times come and I don’t recognize anyone … the world shifts from bright to dark and people I know become scary strangers … I run and close the door and hide in my room until it passes. But I didn’t with you. Even when you became the scary monster I stayed. I think that changed something dramatically in my person. To stay with the one that is feared. It has happened with so few people in this life … usually I run far far away, even if I don’t move an inch.
I don’t understand any of this. I am no closer to understanding death but it is happening more and more in this life. Soon I will know no one in this world. I have so few that I know. Soon there will be no one left that I now know.
It’s three am now. A little over two hours since finding out. The feeling of wanting to vomit is here. A gagging of sorts. I am going to go read an email you sent me … at random … anyone will do. I went to the EOTS HEART folder that I have which was created over a decade ago when I was in EOTS and would put things in there that touched my Heart. I didn’t even have to type in “Dan” it just was the first post the eyes laid upon (the first is from me and the second is his response to it). It’s from June 14, 2006:
Please just scrape this into the trash can...I don't know what I read below...I read it again and heard something totally different. Maybe I am not used to hearing Dan with an authority or as an authority and it sounded different without the "Teaching" but when I heard the Teaching then the authority fell in line.
If that makes any sense I guess it doesn't matter but I hear it different
now. It's hard to hear Dan cause of the way we are with one another.
I don't hear Dan...not in the way I heard it the third time through. I hear Dan through filtered ears and the filter is one of attempting to protect myself...so I hear him alot as if he is attacking me. Maybe it is because I've attacked him and so I expect attack, maybe it is because he has attacked me at times. I don't know and it doesn't matter now.
The first two times I read Dan's post it sounded like he was a bossy-know-it-all. The 3rd I read it it came through selflessly. Like always awareness will do it's work :o)
Dan...I look forward to hearing you :o)
I’m not sure if anyone can tell, but I'm a glutton for punishment. (just kidding Susan, put the whips away...well, for now anyway ;)) ) You know, when Joy first told me what she had written to James and I there was
an instant defense that came up. Like I had to prove to Joy that what I had written to Rebecca was 'right' and that what she was seeing in me was 'off', or even 'on, but not overly relevant'. But that passed pretty quick. Well, it seemed to because Joy came upstairs after me after I quietly left the breakfast table (where she initially told me of her response), and apologized for 'being irritating'. (some apology, huh? ;)) )
But when I got to work it was clear it hadn't completely passed, as I started crafting a response to Joy that seemed to lay out my side, while getting in a few jabs of my own. After looking at it though, I saved the response into my drafts folder. I then saw James had responded and then Ted, and that Joy responded again. At that point I was just kind of appreciating the exchange, and really feeling into it on Joy's side. Well, really just kind of appreciating her. Appreciating the dynamics between us and, well...loving her. And when I saw the post above, all there was left was a Knowing, and a deep caring for the one I call my wife.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe just to here. But I do know that myJoysters is mylittlebaby. Mysweetbaby. We may get into
it like cats and dogs at times, but there's something underneath all of it that makes even the cat and dogging special. Something that kind of says: I don't care what you say. I love you. :)
It's also the same thing that allows Joy the room to say what she says. Though I may tell her she's off her rocker, I still listen to her. I Hear her, and if there's something to be Seen, it generally will be, even if it apparently takes a bit of time.
Joy and I are getting to be quite a unit. Those on the outside looking in may not think that's the case, but they don't see what I do. Or you do.
Yeah sure, maybe we've got a ways to go in a lot of relationship areas, but
that's why we're together, isn't it?
Cruising along on the SS Mu-now. (pronounced like Minnow)
In a sense, that could sum up our relationship. Deep Love. Not dependent on anything … even being active in each other’s lives. He Knew me. I Knew him. You can’t save another person, but you can Know them.
Funny … strange things pop into the mind as remembrances … but just this week … well this week has Uma (EOTS) birthday in it and it came up on quite a few occasions to Draw a Birthday Card for her because she is the only one left in EOTS I haven’t made one for … but I didn’t. I thought too much time has passed. Uma doesn’t even like me. Why would you make a card for someone that doesn’t like you and who you haven’t even shared any words with in a very long time. I just didn’t do it. That is the bottom line and I think I was still angry. I think some anger came up around sending her a card. I don’t know now I just know I didn’t do it. Sort of wish I had now … just to touch base. I miss those guys. But I am tired of knocking on the door. Happy Belated Birthday Uma. UmaLooma. I hope you are well. I’ve thought about you lately … even before knowing it was your Birthday. I had thought about you as I feel I am probably entering into menopause and you once mentioned how happy you were that it finally arrived … one of the few women, if only woman I ever heard say that about menopause … but you did … said you were so happy to see the highs and lows the rollercoaster of fertility gone. I have shared a few precious moments with you Uma. I have a few tender memories stored in the Mind’s Eye of you and I.
I almost forgot and hardly know how that is possible now that it is being vividly remembered … but yesterday I had a rip-roaring-mind-splitting headache. Nothing would get rid of it. Not aspirin. Not Pot. Not sleep. Nothing. So I stopped trying. It just ran its course and this morning or night upon waking … it was gone and forgotten until just now. I suppose it seems more impacting or important knowing that Dan has passed. It is so strange how it is not sinking in. It’s just bringing up memories. Why can’t life bring up good memories before someone dies so that you get in touch with them. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, but I wish I had now. I wish I had just slightly touched based. Something. Anything. But as always … I did nothing. I don’t know what makes people fall apart. Dan has made this more obvious than ever. I went from wife to no one in what seemed like two-seconds flat … and he went from husband to no one in the same amount of time. How do you claim you love someone and then it just fizzles? Fizzles so completely that you don’t speak or have any communication at all for years. How do you fall for someone else so fast? What I saw so clearly is if it could happen with him it could with anyone. That things that you say don’t last. Even when you make commitments to one another … but I could never make a commitment to him. I tried. Clearly made valid attempts and couldn’t do it. I Love(d) him but never in the way I portrayed it. Or the mind and memory plays such crazy tricks that you never know … you can’t ever know if anything you say is really True. It all washes away but what remains is TRUE. What remains when all words have failed is:
OMG! I am always so close and yet so far!!!!! If I had just been one bus stop down the road … I would have been standing right in front of Him! GRRR!
(Photo removed for privacy)
Isn’t that sic? Come on! It’s like living here for what … over a year with Him living only .3 miles away and seeing him once … maybe twice the entire time!
What a strange and twisted thing life is.
I wonder if He knew I was there … why would He put that He works there up today? And did it while I was there? He put that He works there on his FB today! It’s a pawn shop. I hope He doesn’t let people pawn their things for addicting drugs! LOL. I am sure absolutely no drug addict wants to hear that!
When I was standing there at the bus stop … I had the thought show up to go down the road to the next stop more than one time … maybe five times! Because where I was standing didn’t smell too good. But I didn’t. I didn’t go. Didn’t budge. OMG! I don’t know how I didn’t go!
How can you constantly be so close and so far. Why did life bring this man into my world? Do you ever get to know? What would have happened anyway even if I went one bus stop down … He would have thought I was a nut. I was bouncing all around out there … nerves ... nervous. Overstimulated. Had gone to a THC and Cannabis Fair and totally got overwhelmed and freaked and left after less than an hour. Bumped into Glenn from This and That in Etna. Just as I was running out the door. It was very strange because I so rarely see a familiar face. It was a very brief encounter. He looks well though.
Good Lord! Life is so freaking strange. You know I am freaking about it. Like a school girl! God! Grrrr! Duh! D’oh!
Saturday night … FRANK OCEAN sent in a post saying there is an update to a song he’s been working on with the band N.E.R.D. which I was turned onto a few months ago through the songs LEMON and 1000:
“The Truth will set you Free, but first it will piss you off.”
I never went and listened to the full album … however I went to Spotify just now and listened to the FRANK version of:
DON’T DO IT
And was like D - A - M - N that’s good! So I just left the album playing and was finding song after song to just hit the fucking nail on the head and was bouncing all around! It is so rare to have an entire album suck one in but it is so DAMN good I listened to it 2x in row!!! And speaking of DAMN guess who is featured on a few of their songs … yeah you guessed it:
Ha! Such a small Artistical world … also on the album is ANDRE 3000 and Rhianna, Ed Sheeran, Future, Wale and M.I.A! Who I was so surprised to hear her because I haven’t ever heard her featured on anyone else’s work so when her voice just came out of no where I was like YEAH! You go Girl! Gucci Mane is also on it but I am only a bit familiar with his work. And of course FRANK!!! :o) It’s a fucking awesome album … even better Ganga enhanced! Listened to it the second time through after a few tokes of SOUR D.
Best album of 2018!
Already! Even though it is probably is from 2017. It’s 2018 for me! We are only 20 days in and already I have the album of the year! And look at the title of the Album … which I will end this LIFE LESS WRITTEN on:
Week of January 10, 2018
Wayneji mentioned recently that there is a tendency in my person to Preach.
The Darkness has hit deep and hard this time round. Woke up violently angry two nights in a row and was surprised to see the seriousness of Suicidal thought again. Anne Sexton says the thoughts are addicting, maybe they are. They provide comfort. They provide an end to what seems endless. No one that has not had depression or faced the other side of mania could possibly understand how close one comes to walking out on yourself. The other day there was a cut that came so deep I couldn’t even stop the tears in public. Sobbed in public. The rages that have been appearing lately, at other times in this life, would have ended in self-violence. Something has shifted. There was no desire to punch the face. Usually the face would get severely punched, bruised when times such as these would come, but this time the urge to hit one’s self was not there. Was noticeably not there. Surprisingly not there. Something has shifted. I won’t mention what brought on these feelings of self-hate because they will be used to create more if shared. One is alone in this insane world now. There is no one that won’t use information to create more pain.
Speaking of pain, on a walk the other day there was an internal conversation with Tony going on … not really with him it was more like writing a letter in the mind. I hadn’t realized that there was still quite a bit of anger in my person around my teen-age relationship with him. Things I had never said but probably still felt all these years because it was coming through as if nothing had changed. I don’t know if I will write him but if I do, I will put it in here because the words are not flowing right now.
Recently there has been such horrible doubts arising about writing. Whether one is actually good at it or not. It’s shown up in the past but not with such serious force as it has recently. Basically it all boils down to:
Who is it that cares whether the writing is good or not. Just write. It’s what you do. It’s the only thing that still calls out to you. It’s the only thing that still makes life worth living. It’s the only thing that doesn’t leave you. It could just stem from the Darkness. There is a small reprieve right now. One is well rested and there is a cloud of it lingering above but it is far enough above to allow the barometric pressure to read:
“Watch out for low lying clouds coming in from the East.”
So you know that it is just a short reprieve, but any is a Miracle at this point in time and is well received.
The sense of losing it all … just completely falling apart have surfaced. Some moments have been so intense that the thought of hospitalization has appeared … it’s been a long time since those thoughts have floated through and add to the want to end it all.
There is a growing appreciation for Anne (Sexton) showing up at this time in life … I suppose it is just to know that someone out there has gone through similar things. Often when there is a sense of “missing others,” she will remind me of how having others around often just exacerbates the intensity of the crash, the fall, the insanity. No matter how good you get, how great you feel, the other side will always appear and often with the same intensity of how good or great it had been, will be how hard and deep one will crash and burn. She is a reminder that romance fades, the good life turns bad, love doesn’t conquer all and that insanity can and often does; end a life.
“A work of Art is wiser than its maker.”
(Page 222, Anne Sexton)
I no longer recall if it was a Vision or a Dream. A few daze ago there appeared a hole in the left hand and pain began to grow … a deep bone pain. Then it faded as quickly as it came and blood was coming out of this hole in the center of the hand, but then the blood disappeared and only the hole was there. Just standing there … ever so still with the palms of the hands facing forward, away from the body. Just the left hand. There was a question … internal or external is not clear … it was just asked:
“Will it always hurt like this?”
Loving humans is the most pain-filled Life endeavors.
It is so very easy to overlook Miracles. Such as recently writing about Paranoia and a low lying fog and since that writing anytime there has been paranoia … I’ve walked out the literal door and a low lying fog is there! Also the Wind has been playing many Mysterious tricks but I hadn’t been seeing it until this very moment as a way, as a reminder to ask oneself:
Who is experiencing this? The Wind has become more of a reminder of “Him” than of “Who” and maybe that has been the great Mistake. Maybe “He” should come as the reminder of “Who?” Just a flip, just a slight shift of view changes everything. The weather has been playing all kinds of tricks lately; all kinds of trickery on the mind.
"Some keep the Sabbath going to Church – / I keep it, staying at Home”.
It is still always so strange and mysterious how these people (Dickenson) fall in one’s lap … with such interesting and impeccable timing. I will not be surprised to find out she suicided but am not hoping that she did. She was a recluse and suffered depression. Am actually quite surprised to read that she did not take her own life. She actually died of Bright’s Disease which they say they treat with abstinence of alcohol, cheese and red meat.
Three daze into the New Year and there is quite a low pressure system going on in the body … The Dark Time is here. It was a pretty good happy time … always seems so short even when it is rather long. This last one was very manic … it might have had something to do with a Full Super Moon that I missed (because I was too tired) … I did get to see a glimpse of it on a walk with Pete and that was nice.
It was a quiet New Year’s spent with a man named Glenn who I met at the bus stop in Medford on Friday, which was the 29th … he stayed here for 3 days … basically catching up on sleep and rest … it all came about rather strangely … I had thought I was going Ice Skating with the last $8 that I had … the thought was that it would be $6 for skating and then $2 for the bus back as I was already very tired but the idea to go offered up some energy. However I ended up getting on the bus and sitting for Meditation which ended me up in Medford. I got off the bus to wait for the one going back and there was a bit of commotion going on at the bus stop … a girl was making a bit of a scene in the girls bathroom (which was packed with people) and she was attempting to get a young man to go in with her and help her carry out her bags … she was acting like she was fuct up on something and she was aggressive and even came over to some kids that were coming back from the mall and was saying stuff about their bags and one of the kids after she went away said to the other …
“I can’t believe you interacted with her … I always just ignore people when they do stuff like that.”
And I “got” this girl that said it … and I “got” the girl that was fuct up and acting out too. They were all teenagers … probably 16 or 17 years old … 2 girls and two boys coming back from the mall and then this other girl acting up and her friends all seemed around the same age too and I saw that I wanted to stay closer to the kids to from the Mall … I wanted to be near their energy which was so calm and relaxed while this other girl was frantic and aggressive. I was happy the mall kids were going home on the bus with me because it is rare to be around people with their kind of energy … I guess I was realizing that there are some people that feel safe in the world at all times and it’s because of their innocence … the mall kids were really “kids" … innocent. I often feel so frantic and lost out in the world but these kids have had security in their life … real long standing solid security they don’t know that the world can completely change in an instant and I sort of hope they never do. There is no joy to be found in the discovery that there is no security in the world if I could do it over again I would do it with a false sense of security all the way. I used to think it was cool or interesting or something special about knowing that there is really no ground to stand on … but it’s gotten old and rotted now.
God it takes all of two-seconds for the world to go from bright to bleak … the Dark Times suck.
Anyway … all this was going on with these kids which wasn’t really much at all … it was just a few outbursts and then a bunch of standing around waiting for the bus (just like war) … However, during this time I noticed a man who would smile when he looked at me and it was a friendly easy going smile which was not only on his mouth but eyes as well. I nodded in recognition and then when I was going to get on the bus he said:
And as soon as he said that I found myself walking over to him instead of getting on the bus and showing him the writing in the little notebook that says something like:
“If you can use a few days of rest come with me.”
And he did … he didn’t hesitate or anything and we got on the bus which was packed with people … we even stood for a while by the kids from the mall and I sort of wish … in retrospect … that we had the whole time because instead we then went to the back of the bus and the guy I had asked if he could use a place to stay … knew people back there and I started to feel uncomfortable as if I was being set up for something and that sort of deflated the spirit a bit. However we got back to the apartment uneventful although he didn’t quite understand what he was doing here and I really had no idea as well but he took a shower and I made some stir fry that came out terrible … even accidentally dropped the bottle of Sriracha sauces into the fry and had to scrape it out … it was a disaster and only the start of the:
“What the fuck will I make to eat?”
Mind set that ran through for 3 days. I had no idea what to make and he was not very pleased with any of it and rightfully so with the Stir Fry but I made a Chili that wasn’t too bad however he sort of snubbed his nose at it and left most of it on the plate the few times that I put it out … the same with the waffles … but since there is very little food left and no money again for at least another week I kept serving it … neither of us went hungry so all is well … I guess.
The first two days he was pretty out of it … on the first night … which is rather hard to recall now … but we hung out a bit … played a game of Rummy and were sort of feeling each other out. Pete nearly vomited … he dry heaved. I had to pick him up and run him to the sink and hold him over it and so I worried a bit about that … because I thought Pete was also getting some of the contact high or energy in a bad way … but it did not go on for long … Pete went back to sleep and didn’t do anything like that again the whole weekend … and Glenn would sleep and then get up for a little bit and would ask for a movie or something and within 10 minutes he would be back asleep so basically it didn’t put me out much … I just had to sort of walk around him for two days as this place is so very small it leaves you no room at all to move around … but it went ok.
He wasn’t much up for chatting … not in the way I have it set up … he seemed to avoid it which was fine because I had nothing to say. We didn’t interact very much but surprisingly I felt like I was with a friend. A few basic insecurities and fears came up but they also subsided very quickly. I don’t often invite seeming strangers into the home but he didn’t feel strange or like a stranger at the time of the invite. There actually was no thought about it at all … it just happened. I can’t explain it because he completely was a stranger. He was most interested in why I invited him back but I truly had no reason … I asked him if he had good rest and he said yes and so I said:
“Well, that is as good a reason as any.”
I on the other had got very little at all … but there was HUGE contact highs going on or he was a Magical person or something because I was LIT the fuck up the first two days … couldn’t sleep barely at all and had such warm nice waves of energy floating through … the mind however was very concerned about not getting rest … the body could give a fuck less.
We were both awake at 12 when it hit The New Year (which is bullshit but who cares) (Yay 2017 is over) LOL. We sipped sparkling apple juice and I can’t remember what else we did … not much of anything … we didn’t do anything barely at all except on NYD when he seemed to be getting a bit of energy and I was starting to go Dark … I could feel it coming on and it is so disappointing because the Light Bright Happy Daze make you think the Dark Daze are not going to come again … that some how you have made it through and don’t have to go back to the Dark Side … but to no avail it happened and when you see it creep in … you see how you start to treat people differently. He was starting to become a stranger … even though had spent two full days with him on the third day it felt like I didn’t know him at all and had some strange man who could not be avoided in my tiny little room. Luckily the night before we had watched a Dave Chappelle … who is hilarious as always and he mentioned that the world is turning on (against) Kevin Spacey because of something that happened a long time ago … let me go look it up cause I have always liked Kevin Spacey or at least I did a long time ago when he did all those good movies … oh shibby … Dave is taking hits on his joke about what went down with Kevin … I don’t know the whole story but of course I am on Dave’s side because it’s fucking COMEDY people … it’s supposed to be fuct up and not right … that’s what makes you laugh so uncomfortably hard to be around someone that has the balls to say what you are thinking and then you turn your back on the one who says it … fuck you! Fuck me too! I do shit like that all the time. LOL.
Dave Chappelle is taking heat for some comments he made on his new Netflix special -- that actor Anthony Rapp was not really harmed by Kevin Spacey's conduct because he "grew up to be gay anyway" -- but some big comedians are squarely in Chappelle's corner.
Chappelle cracked the jokes during his special, The Bird Revolution, referring to Rapp's claim that Spacey tried to grope and seduce him at a party when he was just 14. Chappelle quips:
"And not to victim-blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old kid would get himself into.”
We got a trio of comedians who say it's all fair game. Norm MacDonald praises Chappelle as the greatest comedian on earth. Donnell Rawlings says don't expect any apologies from Dave. And Adam Devine says going after "royalty" is off limits.
Anyway no one is saying that it isn’t fuct up what happened … if it did happen but also 14 is the age where kids … all they want to know about is sex … that is until they figure out what it is.
Anyway … Dave mentioned this whole thing going on with Kevin Spacey and how he now is bummed because he won’t know how HOUSE OF CARDS ends and I had never heard of the show but if Dave says it is good I would like to see what it is all about so New Years Day we watched Netflix’s House of Cards so there was a distraction from the amount of space or lack of personal space in the room at least for me and Glenn pretty much stayed awake the whole time.
I am bummed that I missed the Super Moon … I was asleep for the night by 9pm on NYD and finally got a bit of rest … but at the expense of missing the MOON! :o(
Glenn left early yesterday … he looked good and rested and the day was nice out … not a cold day to go back out into the world … he said he was having some troubles with White City VA (he served in the Air Force) and how they weren’t really helping him out. I think he said he was going up there for meds … he said he was diabetic but that he drinks so that didn’t make much sense to me cause I thought you couldn’t drink when you are diabetic.
I took a hike up da hill … couldn’t stay in this small space anymore … was feeling quite overwhelmed … but it all went well. I stayed up in the mountains walking around almost all day … the body was so fatigued but it felt so good to be outside and I laid down quite a few times and just fell off to sleep on the forest floor and then would hear a rumble or noise and bolt up … never saw anything.
Kept asking for Healing.
Because when I left for the walk I felt like shit. The body felt so very heavy and it had gone through some things during Glenn’s stay … nothing major but certainly noticed and I attributed it to sort of like having a contact high of sickness … it’s hard to explain … because in the beginning it felt good but towards the end it was very heavy and it also very well may not have had anything to do with him but you know how this mind works and often attributes things to the “other.” However his first night he was in an uplifted state … the next day not so much but he slept through most of it … however the second day he also seemed to be in some pain or something as he would curl up and make noises and there were moments where there was some concern in me that he might start getting loud. Those are the times I remember that I don’t know the person next to me and what the fuck am I doing? But then I remember I never know what the fuck I am doing and just chill and see what happens … so I rode out the worry and it passed and so did his pain seemingly because the third day and night there was not a peep out of him … so it is not pain that he normally has to go through it was just something he processed out those first two nights, but I did wonder if I was picking up any of it because I felt not very good the third day … the first two was just like being in a haze but the third I felt weighted, heavy and grumbly and so when I headed up on the walk I was really slowed down … nearly walking at a crawling pace … it took seven hours to do what I usually do in four but I didn’t want to come back to this apartment . When I asked:
“What is this … why does the lower half of my body feel so horrible?”
The answer that came, one which I didn’t actually like hearing was that I was supposed to be on a FAST and that the body had been prepared for FASTing … but I wasn’t notified? Usually when a Fast is coming I am warned of it … but since there has been little food eaten on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Sundays the long 3-4 day Fasting has basically stopped. But now food has been coming back on those days so I don’t know what is going on … nothing is clear like it usually is or if not clear at least a bit more obvious … so Fasting didn’t happen and the body got sick because of it. Who knows? That is what came up. It would be near impossible to Fast with another person around … it’s hard enough not to eat when you are alone … but when you are around another and you have to feed them that doesn’t seem a good time to Fast … I always fail when it happens that way. Also the bowel movements have been horrendous the body is really going through something and it’s not something that has happened before as far as I can remember … I thought it was severe constipation. Gross I know … why the fuck am I even saying this I don’t know.
On the walk/hike the birds were friendly and close.
Had woken in such a grumbly state this morning/evening. Really grumbly. The fighting kind of grumbly and was so please to find myself alone. I couldn’t shake it no matter what I did … no happy thoughts helped … it was more the sense that punching someone else in the face would make me feel better … it’s a strange thing to wake up to. The body is heavy. The boobs are massive. So I looked at the calendar, the P-Tracker calendar and supposedly today is the Flowery Fertile day … well if so … how in the world does any woman ever get pregnant … because this doesn’t make we want to make love it makes me want to punch you. It doesn’t make any sense … why would you feel so horrible at a time when you are supposed to pro-create?
I don’t understand the body at all.
Just went and read some things on the Internet and some other women seem to go through similar such things … they are saying it could be undiagnosed anemia. Well, I do get heart palpations that is one sign. Oh it is iron deficiency … I had this when I was pregnant with Mikel. Recently it came up to eat Red Beans … I crave them a lot … it’s what I ate nearly the entire pregnancy with Tman … Red Beans and Rice was all I wanted … I thought he was vegetarian but it seems I probably was anemic.
They suggest Red Beans and also Prune Juice … which I’ve been craving because funny enough on the bus back here … Glenn was drinking cranberry juice and offered me some which I turned down but thought to myself:
“Wish it was prune juice.”
I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. They also say raisins (which I bought a 3 lbs bag of last month). It also says Dark Greens … which I have not had any greens in a long time … no money and they don’t last … they go bad after like 3 days and I can’t eat all that much with Fasting on 3 of the days.
Ok it’s taking a life time to start to understand the basics of being in this body … but right now … the little egg inside of me is on it’s way down the tubes … like The Corridor story I wrote about the egg and the sperm … so my girl is down there waiting to get united … but no one is coming so no wonder she is pissed off and making this whole body ache. Maybe if there was some a chance in hell she was going to pro-create she would be in better spirits but she knows it’s not going to happen … but why ruin my day along with yours!
Uma(EOTS) mentioned once … but it made a profound lasting effect because I hadn’t ever heard anyone say it before … she said that menopause was the best thing that ever happened to her (usually I would hear the opposite) and that she was so happy not to be pulled around all over by the highs and lows of an egg (not exact words). I know it now. Although there is sadness to have never had a daughter (Uma has two) … sort of … not even sure if it is sadness anymore … I think what I am sad about is that the Fairytale didn’t happen … there’s no point in a daughter without the Fairytale … not in Joyland … so there’s not so much sadness about not having a child but of not have a story fulfilled … whether that is true or not I will never know, but it is what comes up right now when looking at this whole thing.
So I’ve probably looked at all of this before and forgotten it but it all seems brand new again today:
Cervical mucus changes: As you near ovulation, your body produces more estrogen, causing cervical mucus to become stretchy and clear, like egg white, which helps sperm swim to the egg that’s released during ovulation. Cervical mucus changes happen in most women, Moore says, but you have to know what you’re looking for. The amount of cervical mucus and what it looks and feels like varies from woman to woman. To test it for ovulation, insert a clean finger into your vagina, remove some of the mucus and then stretch out the secretion between your thumb and finger. If it’s sticky and stretchy or very wet and slippery, that’s a good sign that you’re in a fertile phase.
This happened last week … so I was prime last week. I was really prime LOL!
Heightened sense of smell: For some women, a more sensitive sense of smell in the latter half of a normal menstruation cycle can be a sign of ovulation. In this fertile phase, your body is primed to be more attracted to the male pheromone androstenone.
I hate to even say this here because I swear up and down all the time I am going to stop talking about “Him” altogether … as it has been way, way too long to talk about someone that is no one … but … but … the other day in the forest not yesterday but maybe two days prior … I was bumbling around and stumbled upon some oil … it had been in a dilapidated tent … actually I walked past the whole thing (which I have done numerous times) but something called me back … I cannot explain these things even to myself but it’s how I end up with someone I don’t know in the apartment for three days and basically I trust it … usually I trust it because it has never steered me wrong in all the times that I have followed it … however I don’t always follow it and there is no seeming rhyme or reason to why or why not or how I do … but there was a pull to go over and so I did and there was a little bottle of oil … I looked at it and started walking away and it literally called me back … so I went over (huffed) and picked it up and opened it and smelt it and it reminded me of Him … of how I have never once in my life paid attention to how a man smells and yet with Him I cannot forget. I don’t know if he smelt like Sandalwood … I just know He smelt so good I couldn’t stop thinking about it for so long … even still. But this little bottle triggered thoughts of Him again.
Anyway … they are saying above that you get a certain heightened sense of smell around ovulation … so does that mean that I have never been around another man that smelt good my entire life at this time of the month … only Him? Did He only have that perfect scent for my nose? How in the world or maybe the question is why in the world would you figure this out.
They go on to say:
Breast soreness or tenderness: Breast and nipple sensitivity, tenderness or soreness can be another sign of ovulation, thanks to the rush of hormones entering your body right before and after ovulation.
Not that you care … but let me tell you that my nipples were so sore and sensitive the other day I had to change my shirt … not while Glenn was here … but right before that … I hadn’t had anything like it in years … such sensitivity it felt as if someone had been pinching them or scraping them with sand paper. And now today they are so fucking swollen and sore that I don’t even have to move to notice it. Yesterday my uterus and backside felt like my boobs do today. Maybe this is menopause … maybe this is the end of all this madness.
Nothing against Glenn … really and truly because it seemed to swing both ways … there was no sexual energy in this room. Which you might think odd … I am thinking it is odd to be in the throes of ovulation and have a man 2 feet from you at all times for three days and have no sexual energies at all … but I swear there wasn’t … he was not an ugly man or gross in anyway … it just wasn’t there … he didn’t smell badly, but he had nothing going on that had my nose perked up.
I wonder what this egg would have been … shit I thought I was done with all this non-sense but it’s coming up again. I wonder what it would have been … a girl … a boy … cute … ugly … sweet … mean … kind … smart … intelligent … would it have had more of my attributes or His … what color hair … eyes? I look back at Mikel and Tyler and they were very similar in many ways other than sports … basically most of their differences were in the way I raised them not in how they actually were molded … both are handsome … both are sweet … Tyler had more anger in him … always … he was always more temperamental and aggressive where Mikel was more sad and passive … both of them had/have very unique ways of seeing the world. Both are very intelligent and smart … they had both … have … I don’t often remember Mikel is dead … I suppose it is the kindness of being separated so long before it happened … but I go in The Sacred Space and he is there … in a box … so it is not denial it is just forgetfulness … both have outgoing personalities which they didn’t get from me … but they made friends pretty easily and kept them as well … not something they got from me either. It may have stemmed from them basically being only children … they were so far apart in age that they weren’t really siblings … they were but at a distance … like two only children and so it may have had something to do with filling a void whereas I had so many siblings I was always surrounded and looking for a place to just get away. Who knows … you never really know.
Kobe looks like he was quite literally “The Party Animal” this last weekend:
Look how tired he is! Poor little guy. I had a huge hit of missing Tman the other day … I wish I had been able to write him the Love Letter that actually poured out of my Heart at the time. I came across a Beagle … she was walking down the street and I stopped and petted on her … and the eyes! The Eyes! I first flashed of Kobe but then I saw Tman in her face! I saw so much Love! I can’t even barely write it now … there was so much beautiful emotion to it when it happened. It sounds so poor quality now … it was alive and real! And so full of Love!
I saw another one too … another Beagle … I can’t place where at the moment but a similar thing happened … it is like looking into a human face. It really is … I momentarily forgot it was a dog. Just a flash … a quick moment flash where it is not a specific animal … not really human or dog just LOVE looking at you.
OMG! Tman’s hair is so fucking long!!!! He is a hippie!!!
Boy does he have Mark’s facial features. I don’t like to say it or see it but I know he is so much better off without a whack job like me in his life but sometimes I miss him so terribly much. I think in my Heart that he will do great things … he already has! I hope the drink doesn’t get him. I hope he always is able to walk away from the drink when it is time to walk away. Even Kobe is not looking happy about it:
Dogs know. Just like Pete dry heaving the other night … Dogs are very attuned to energy.
You know I was so concerned about Tman getting a dog while being so young and in school (at the time) and then if he met a girl that didn’t like his dog … but boy oh boy was I wrong (thank god). Kobe is like having another family member … I feel like he is. Seems others do as well:
Before … a few days or a day before Glenn showed up … I was getting very huge hits of why no one likes me or wants to be around me and why I was kicked out of EOTS and I agreed with all of it as I was seeing it … I wouldn’t want me around either.
It’s kind of funny that I would say the above and then open an email from Tony that says nearly the exact opposite … but of course you say things in jail that aren’t actual in reality … I often think that in regards to “Him” (yeah I know him again) but I do think that because my fantasies are so wild and imaginative and yet reality often is not that way at all … of course there is Magic everywhere and when the eyes are open to it you see it … but often the eyes are closed … but here is a story from Tony:
12/31/2017 4:22:00 PM
Hey there Joysters,
I wanted to drop yo a little note to let you know what Cuhristmas mans to me since you asked. Every since I was a little kid I always wanted Christmas to come around because it was the only time of the year that everyone you know would get together with their families whether or not they were getting along with one another. I remember being in foster homes and how their families would surround themselves with each other at Christmas. since I never had a family of my own I always looked forward to this.
At one point in my life I can not recall I lost that feeling and Christmas became a very depression time for me and I hated the very thought of Christmas season. Then one Christmas I was selling Drugs to someone I knew and found out that she was using her money that should have been spent on her kids for christmas buying drugs from me. Since I knew full well what it was like to put drugs and that lifestyle in front of everything including your kids I felt horrible. So what I did that Christmas was I went around and with all the money I had from selling Drugs I believe it was around 2500 to 3000 dollars. I took tht money and bought all of the kids gift cards to various places. From that moment on I chose to give of myself at Christmas time no matter where I was or who I was with. This year I made Cheese Cake and enchiladas for all 24 people on my tier. I just feel that for me Christmas has become a time to give and by doing so I feel good about myself. I can't expect my own family to just reapear in my ife and I know it is unrelastic to beleive thta My kids wil ust up and forget everthing I have done to them over the years by not being there for them. So instead I give of myself each year and yes it has a very real calming effect on me that I cannot describe. So that is my christmas story.
As for the Ocean Grove thing you mentioned in your last letter I am with you 100% on that I too am extremly happy to know that there is someone out there (you) that knows what I am taling about when it comes to Ocean Grove. Some of the best memories in my life have come from there and if it wasn't for Ocean Grove I would have never have met you and that would have been horrible because you have always ben and will always be one of the most influential people in my life and even though I now that I have not been in your life these past 25 or so years You have always been the driving force in what it is I look for not ony in a friend but in a Girlfriend as well. I may not fully know you as an adult but I do you know you in your purest forma nd that is when we were kids before we knew what expectations were and when our lives were simple yet complex at the same time. I knew what love actualy felt like for the first and only time in my life when I met you.
With that said I want to wish you a very Happy New Year and to let you know that I am a better man today for having you in my life and to thank you for the best gift you could every give e and that is the gift of you.
I will love you always,
Love Tony aka T-Rock
There is probably very little difference between Tony and myself … we have good Hearts but strange ass minds or thoughts or whatever it is that makes you fuct up and do fuct up shit and not care … you want to care … but it just doesn’t come out like you plan or would like it too. Like if I was in the Happy Time all the time … I would be an incredibly great person … I even like me at that time and that is not an easy feat … but that is such a very small window and the rest of the time I am basically an angry asshole, with bouts of paranoia and outburst of intense energies.
For me Christmas is not one day a year … in fact it sort of pisses me off that it is set up as one day a year and basically it has all become a gift giving celebration and not the celebration of the Teacher or the Teaching or Love! I can feel it in the air though … these last few years I feel Christmas Magic in the Air … it is a wonderful thing so it is obvious now that it is not only about monetary things but it really has come to that. I have no idea why I am so chatty today. Will write back to Tony since I am.
Happy New Year T. :o) Even though I don’t actually believe we go into anything new or that there even is such a thing as “years” … it’s all man-made obviously but since day goes to night and back to day again … man “made” time so that it can track life as it seemingly moves along in it … but actually we don’t have any idea if time actually progresses or not … for all we know what we are currently in … is no more than a dream … similar to at night … you fall asleep but there is no time there … is there? Not if you look honestly … you can jump around to any time and any place in a dream … especially if it is lucid … if you are awake in the dream … so “time” as you and I “think” of it may not actually be at all … it may just be an aspect of a dream that is endless … you can’t have time in something endless … something that has no beginning and no end … you can’t track that … but obviously humans get bored and want to figure things they will never figure out … out. I know these things intuitively and have seen many things I cannot explain logically so I don’t have any doubts that there is no such thing as time but because I believe in it (which sounds like a contradiction but it’s not actually) I live in it.
I had no idea all that was going to come up just by saying Happy New Year.
I am glad you had a nice Christmas and that doing something for others fills you … have you ever thought of attempting to extend Christmas to every day and not just one day a year? I seem to be way too moody and unreliable for it, but I can see it and almost grasp that way of life … where you are a walking, living, breathing Christmas Present 365 days a year. The thing is … sometimes the Present is a slap across the face (not literally but sometimes) … you know when you have to say or do something that you know is going to hurt the other person but if they don’t hear it something worse is going to happen to them. I often find this with people and their health or well-being … I have met so many people that are really close to deaths door … within a few months or sometimes years if they don’t make certain changes … but when you say something about it they often don’t speak to you again … everyone wants things to get better no one wants to do what it takes … I get it … I don’t even have a problem with it but recently I have been wanting to steer clear of anyone with health issues just not to even have to say it … but luckily it is not up to me.
One example is of my brother Johnny who has recently had health concerns … major one’s … has even had surgery … but anytime I bring up anything in that regard he shuts me down or sort of pats me on the head and says yeah yeah sure I will … but has no intention. But soon it is going to catch up with him and he is so young and has a young son too and things are not getting better … so I wrote him a tough-love email and that was about a month ago and haven’t heard from him since. But I know what I said is a Gift … even though he received it as a Slap in the Face and basically told me silently to fuck off. So you can lose people in this world by having Christmas everyday. Christmas Presents aren’t always what we want but what we need. We have become a society only concerned with getting what we want. What we got is a very sick fucking planet with horribly sick humans on it.
Like you, I went through years of depression around Christmas … I had it this year … I basically did nothing this year for Christmas … I don’t have any reason for the depression I could blame it on a lot of things but basically it was just depression … just sadness … bodily and mentally.
It’s rather hard for me to see you as a drug dealer … I mean I know you have been almost all this life and I have known of it … but I always picture drug dealers as hard and thuggish and I’ve never seen you that way … you’ve always been so sensitive. Recently I saw a movie called “MOON LIGHT” it was very very well done … cinematically spectacular and heart wrenchingly good … it is about a drug dealer and his life from being a child to a man and how you watch as his innocence is destroyed one act at a time and it is so real and raw and well done that you almost don’t notice how amazingly well done it is. I don’t want to say too much about it … maybe you will see it someday.
I wish you had sold Ecstasy or LSD or mushrooms that are mind expanding and not things that are destroying society like Meth. But Ecstasy and LSD and shrooms are not addicting so there isn’t high demand.
I truly hope you don’t ever go back to selling addicting drugs. I made a commitment early on in life that I would not touch Heroin … it’s a very strange thing that it even came up at such a young age when none of it was even around and honestly I have never known anyone that I am aware of besides Mikel that ever did it … but I made a Commitment basically as a child, to never touch that drug and haven’t and then after an insane short lived time on Meth I made a Commitment to myTeacher to never touch that stuff again and haven’t. It is the same with alcohol … last year I had a bought with it … I also hadn’t remembered that I told myTeacher I wouldn’t touch it anymore … I don’t know why I didn’t recall this … but I didn’t … he called me out on it and I just didn’t recall making that promise but after he called me out on it … I saw a new Promise/Commitment form … there is now a Commitment to not drink and in a sense I am aware of the consequences … in a sense I feel that if I had not broken my word … Mikel wouldn’t have died. I am not blaming myself … I just feel it that way … that some how the two (drinking and Mikel) are linked and in a way I cannot explain but I recall my telling Mikel one time that I wasn’t going to drink ever again and I lied. I did drink again.
It is a horrible thing to see your Word is not good. If you care about those kinds of things … which I do … I don’t give my Word lightly in fact I haven’t given my Word in years except for a few things … but my Word is not good and that lowers a person. I am a lower person because of it, but I am not going to try and make up for something until the time comes to make it up … meaning I am not going to go out and attempt to prove my Word is good again … I have tried that and failed miserably. If there is something I am to be tested on … it will show up without my doing and I will see if my Word is any good now. Life has a way of doing that. Of testing you when you make a Commitment or Promise and it is always Pass or Fail … there is nothing in between and the Failure can be great … in this case Mikel.
I am very chatty today … there is some kind of restlessness in my person … I woke up feeling horrible … just terrible and couldn’t snap myself out of it.
Dammit after just typing that I see now that my Word is still no good … I had forgotten all about it but I sort of gave my Word … not sort of … I did … I gave mySelf my word that I would quit Caffeine Pills, but I haven’t. I actually did some today in attempts to snap myself out of a funk … but there is no excuse and so my Word is still no good … I wouldn’t even have seen it if it wasn’t for this sharing with you. I don’t know what the price is for breaking one’s Word in this regard but it is often quite high. I would love to not give my Word to anything. I never know what I am going to do. I don’t like to do things that hurt others and so Heroin, Meth, Drinking … those things hurt others and the legacy of that hurt ripples way out … fuck I am bummed now. It may seem like I am taking this lightly but I am not … it’s a strange thing because once you do it … it feels like … oh well I fuct up this badly might as well just keep fucking up. Because caffeine feels good and life doesn’t. Not usually.
Anyway now you are seeing the shitty side of JoySters that doesn’t follow through on her Word. I have lost a lot of people because of it … maybe all of them. And you know what … it is horrible to be surrounded by people who’s Word is not good. Even when you are alone. Even when there is no one else calling you out on it … you know it … you know you are a lower class of people and you attract them … you attract what you are being.
Well I am going to end this here. I am glad that Christmas went well for you and that you enjoy serving others … recently I mentioned to someone that what I liked about him or the thing that stood out the most that I liked was that he could see when people were in need of something even when they weren’t aware of it themselves. That is sort of like what I was saying about Christmas everyday … he doesn’t do it just on Christmas … he does it when he sees it. I’ve been looking at that and at my surroundings at times a bit differently. It is nice to give someone something that they want, but it is exceptional to give someone something that they need.
So after sending the above some things have come up … and not to make excuses … it’s just what is coming up … because … and I almost wrote this earlier this morning but it didn’t happen … this month or last month basically has been looking at:
Thy Will; not my will.
And from looking at it … there is no “my.” When you see this … and it isn’t this clear all of the time … obviously … but when you see this as True then you know nothing can be any other way than how it is. You know it. So when I write to Tony about my Word not being good and it’s not … but there is a game in that … the “Guilt” game that seemingly keeps one doing poor behavior out of feeding the guilt. It’s not coming through so clearly … it’s like guilt is another addiction. But even that is Thy Will not my. And it is Thy Will that it is seen. I almost wanted to tell Tony it would have been great if he had not given that women the Meth and that is when I saw what I was doing … as if I can see far and wide … which I can’t … I don’t know what anything is for and I forget that all the time especially getting up on the high horse and acting like I know a better way. Wayneji has said many times:
“Better is the enemy of good.”
“Everything is always right; there is no opposite.”
And he also says:
You would be amazed at how much goes in one ear and out the other but occasionally certain things stick in the middle … thank God … literally.
I had a dream about Kayemomma last night and the mind keeps trying to remember it and can’t.
2017 01.04 - Quite a few Insights came through today but they were the kind you don’t actually write down because it seems so silly in the moment to write down something that is so obvious … however now … after some deep rest … it is not obvious or even remembered what they were. However one of the was to start a sort of practice before falling asleep to attempt to go back … all the way back and to see yourself doing it … just keep going back … first through your own life … see yourself going back in age until you can’t go back anymore and then see the world do the same thing and then the earth and the universe until you get to the beginning … until you get to the place where you can’t go back any further and what remains?
Stayed in that “place/space” for awhile yesterday … in what remains.
KAYEMOMMA AND THE NEW DOG
January 4, 2017
Had a dream … a dream that is fading fast, Kayemomma and Wayneji Sold MU to Mac … they didn’t live very far away though and were still moving their things out. At first I was at their new house and they had a new dog … it was kind of ugly … that was the thought and first impression in the dream that he was ugly, but I can’t see the dog now … it was small and plump and grey haired … long grey hair and it had a very nice disposition. I immediately liked him even though I didn’t think he was all that cute. There was also a neighbors dog that was driving me crazy with its’ incessant barking. I went somewhere with the new dog and bonded with it … actually fell head over heels for it. Then I went to MU and was helping Mac get moved in and Kayemomma moved out … she came over the next day and was telling me how Finny had passed away. I was taking it rather hard, but not trying to let her see that. She never got to tell the whole story because I woke up but it started out that she had been watching a movie and he got into something. Also there was a comedian in the dream … she was coming off stage after her show and I was walking with her … I knew her somehow and she was so happy with how the performance went because usually she can’t tell all her jokes or is sad because she would have to leave some out, but this performance she got them all in and was excited because her family was there. She was an older woman … grey haired but young in Spirit. Also MU had a river sort of like Scott River running behind it and it was situated in a wide open space with the road not far from it … a dirt road with sandy dirt and some people came through on dirt bikes.
So much of the dream is now lost from memory.
2018 01.05 - Today or actually yesterdays WOD is:
The WOD doesn’t come until later … going to practice on yesterdays.
Joy A. Sters
(Written in The Sacred Space)
January 5, 2107, 1:45- 12pm
Mira had always been a willful child. Rarely did she do what was asked or told of her. She also didn’t play nice with other children. Her parents would bring over or take her to playmates they thought might improve her behavior, only to find it was a near impossible feat, as she almost always converted them to her ways rather than the other way around. However, Mira was also a highly intelligent child, though not in the bookish way, she hated school and made quite an uproar each morning before being forced to go. She didn’t understand all the pressure from adults about the importance of education. Even when she became what is called an “adult,” she saw education as a way to keep a giant machine oiled and running, that schools were basically a day-care center for children, while the slaves go to work.
She had learned about slavery in school, and didn’t see the difference between how people were herded like cattle then and how they are herded like cattle now. The monetary reward only made it that much more obvious. Slavery hadn’t ended, it simply had morphed. People were unaware that they had become slaves to money and possessions. They traded freedom to chase a carrot dangling in front of the human eye, which made them blind to the machine, a machine that sucked the life and joy out of people, then spit them out and left them to die in poverty.
Rarely did she meet a person that was whistling to and while they worked. Very few people, if any that she met, were content and enjoying their lives and school was no more than recycled information that kept one from discovering their own innate Teaching and Knowledge.
As a child she didn’t understand all of this, but as she grew up, it became more and more obvious, but not to anyone else. If she attempted to show someone what she had come to know they would get angry, no one wanted to see the hypocrisy and eventually she came to realize that those that are supposed to; do and those that aren’t; don’t. However, it was a long winding road to this realization. In her attempts to reveal to others what they were unwilling and unwanting to know, she grew angry and bitter. No one wanted to know that they were/are a slave. They didn’t want to know, because to know, meant that something had to change and very few are interested in change. Basically the majority just want to bitch and moan about the way things are because they get pleasure from complaining and misery loves company. No one wanted to stand alone like her.
"It’s just the way it is."
They would say, but she couldn’t let it rest, it nagged at her day and night and she began to go a bit mad. She had no idea how it could be done differently. She went to university and saw that it was just another mechanism to keep the wheel turning, as even there, there was no education, only preparation for what one was to do for work and a place of creating more of the same. She didn’t last long. Her mind was beginning to unravel. She didn’t know what to do or where to turn she only knew that:
It is time.
As it would echo through her mind, over and over:
It is time.
And similar to Nat Turner, who upon learning how to read, discovered he and every black person in the country had been imprisoned as slaves, when under God all were free. She saw the same prison for herself and her fellow man in the society structure, but no answer to what the change would be. So she became quiet and began to ponder. She envisioned a life where one was not forced to do something they didn’t want to do, simply because there was no seeming way out. She would ask:
“Why give me vision, with no ability to do anything with it? Why make me see, when I am surrounded by those that do not wish to see or hear?”
Like Nat she wanted to free her people and like Nat her people didn’t believe her talk of freedom, as most of them already thought they were free, taken care of and provided for no matter how poorly that was. Many years passed and she found herself being pulled deeper and deeper into Silence. Not the silence that comes from lack of noise, but deep abiding Silence. She became inwardly Still. Finally one day the answer came from the Stillness of the Heart:
“There is no such thing as freedom in the world, everyone is a slave, to become free you must lose the dependency on the world and become dependent on God/Stillness the animating Force of all life.”
The message came like Rapture. It wasn’t in words. The words formed later around what she could not explain even to herself. The world had vanished. All personal self had vanished. What remained is beyond words, as if language is some meaningless thing meant only to confuse one from what is True. There was nothing, nothing, no thing … that was everything! She now knew that complete freedom has nothing to do with the world. That she had been looking at it all wrong. She had been looking to change the outside, people, the world, the universe at large, all the while overlooking the absolute Freedom within. Life had laid, what she thought of at the time, as obstacles at her doorstep, but eventually it became obvious it is fate.
Shortly after the Revelation and Rapture a Teacher appeared in her life. At first she didn’t know he was a Teacher, but considered him an authority figure and one that was saying things she innately knew but was never able to articulate. It was not long before she up and moved as close as she could to him. The road of Teacher/Student is one of many ups and downs, in’s and out’s, but ultimately it is based and ends in Stillness. Everything that the Teacher did somehow pointed her back to Stillness. This may sound a simple feat, but take a moment right now, if you will and place all of the attention on that which doesn’t move in you. If you are one of the lucky ones, you immediately become Aware of Stillness, however for most, the noise of the mind (thoughts, visions, insights) the incessant noise of the mind, makes it near impossible to become Still. It took many years after the Rapture and meeting her Teacher to finally come to a place that Stillness began to be primary and the mind (thoughts) secondary.
Eventually, she opened a school of unlearning, where people would come and she would begin to help them see through what they had been taught to discover the Stillness of their own Self. The change that she had attempted to envision in her youth began to manifest naturally as more and more people became aware of Stillness:
The Truth of who they Are.
She had always thought that it was something one had to figure out, but it is that thought itself that leads one astray. However, even that served.
As her life came to a close, she began to see the web that had molded and transformed her life. She saw that everything that happened had to happen and that it is the same for everyone. Everyone is in the perfect moment. There is no wrong way to go in Transformation. Everything is perfectly set up. Everything unfolds perfectly and that was/is:
American Slavery, Reinvented
Angola for Life:
That didn’t come out so badly. Had given up on it or walked away from it a few times but kept getting pulled back. I’m glad I got pulled back. One of the things that comes up strongly in the writing is to follow through, which is not something that comes naturally to my person … I’m a quitter … the things I should quit I don’t and the things I do quit … I shouldn’t. But whatever … there really is no such thing as either. Things are going to go how they go. The head is now pounding though and the eyes really hurt. Burn even. I had no idea that would be the story. Not at all. Put it and THE TABERNACLE up on JoySters.org.
2018 01.06 - The other day while in the forest … I was hugging a Tree … yeah I know sounds cheesy right? But really it is not so. I never intend to hug a Tree … not in the way I did the other day … often I go up to Trees and lay hands on them … almost always I put my hand out when I pass a Tree … it is not intentional either it’s just what happens and I have a few favorite Trees that I actually look forward to seeing and always spend a few moments with … I even Kiss Trees … not with any regularity but rather in the moment that it comes up … it doesn’t even come up … it just happens. So the other day I was touching a Tree up in the Forest … it was a large Tree from what I now remember which isn’t actually all that much but it has come up a few times now to write this down so here we go. I had gone up to the Forest with an intention for Healing as I wasn’t feeling all that well and so often when that happens I will find the body under a Tree or pressed up against one … I used to do it all the time when I had backaches … I would place my back up against a Tree and leave it there for a few minutes … I rarely get backaches anymore. So I was pressed up against this Tree the other day … with my front pressed up against its Trunk because my uterus was sore or my woman stuff was … it was heavy and weighted and just didn’t feel right on the bottom half of the body at all so I pressed up against a Tree for a few moments and while doing so the Tree started Speaking but not with words … it’s more like Transference but even that is not really it … but flashes were flooding the minds eye and how the focus this year would be on Trees … nothing specific other than in a sense this year is dedicated to them … that sounds lame because every year is … but it came through differently … it came through as a reminder that I am one.
My bio-Father told me when I was young and on numerous occasions when we would have “those” kinds of talks where he would tell me things that are not of the normal conversations a daughter has with their father and there were so few of them that the ones we did have … left a lasting imprint. One of the ones that left the most lasting is that my “real” mother (not bio) … in a sense … my Spiritual Mother who my father said he procreated me with was/is named “Cypress” and that I am a Tree … a Cypress Tree. I have never really looked much into Cypress Trees although I did again this morning and just put them up on FB and he never said any specific kind of Cypress and I have often had thoughts of my Spiritual Mother as this sort of Ghost-like Phantom in space who is huge … just so very huge but not unwelcoming. I have never had bad thoughts about “Cypress” my Spiritual Mother and after all that has transpired and transgressed in my relationship or lack of with my father I have never thought ill of her. In a sense … I don’t even see her as “outside” of me … in many ways, that I don’t articulate well … I sense or experience the “Universe” inside me more than outside.
So all this life there have been un-investigated ties to the Cypress Tree and I was being shown the other day that I am one. I have been shown I am one once on Mushrooms … I actually was a sapling for an entire day (which in Mushy time is very different … by the way, mushies might become legal in CA and OR! Yay!). So what came up is that my life is dedicated to them, not only to the Cypress Trees but to Trees in General and of course is secondary to That which all things come from. Obviously, I have had some kind of conscious or unconscious relationship with Trees or I wouldn’t have “Writers For Trees” (WFT) all these years and am so sensitive to using paper products and a sort of inner desire or calling out for the support of Trees. I saw that the Vietnamese Cypress is almost extinct and surely that stems from the war. We (America) really bombed the fuck out of that country.
Strange that I have such an affinity and close ties to trees and yet life has gifted me with a black thumb. I cannot keep anything plant or tree like alive with any success. I don’t know what the role will be with Trees but this Tree in the Forest was making it seem as if it is already in motion. I still have the image/time in the mind where I went through the Red Woods in California barefoot and was told that I would be helping people with Sexual Abuse and that still hasn’t happened and that was almost 3 years ago … so I don’t know how these things work … when the Trees Speak … but whatever it is that they transmit stays alive in my person. It doesn’t go dormant it just waits … for opportunity? I don’t know.
For A LIFE LESS WRITTEN sure is a lot being written about.
THE TEACHER IS TURNCOAT WITHOUT A SIDE
Joy A. Sters
(Written in The Sacred Space)
January 6, 2018, 6:19am
Continued January 8, 2018, 2:20am - 3am
Once upon a time a man had a Direct Realization of Truth and went about spreading the news. First, he went to A Course in Miracles Newsgroup because he had spent some time reading and studying the book, and was familiar to the people there who spent most of their time bickering amongst themselves over how they interpreted it. However, upon his Direct Realization of Truth, the way he saw the book shifted and he now had the vision to see where and how people could and would get so far off track in what they considered “their understanding” of what was read.
Most of those that he now interacted with saw him as a traitor to the text, even though the book itself says to put it down. They lashed out at him and personally attacked him and his family, anything they could get their hands on to make him out to be a very bad man. Here these people were studying a book on Love and Forgiveness and yet were spending all of their days and nights, digging and searching for things to quite literally hang and destroy this man with. Fortunately, all of their attempts failed. Very few saw the hypocrisy of their actions, but a small few Heard where he was pointing. He saw this and created a Newsgroup of his own “The End of the Search,” meaning that the search itself blinds one from seeing they are already “in” and “are” what they are searching for.
Word quickly spread and in no time there were more than one hundred members to his group. He wrote and spoke on many topics, most of which you would never hear about in the mainstream world. Basically, he was a renegade of his time. After a few months he opened another group, one where he took members of the EOTS group that had responded with enough openness of mind to Hear deeper pointings, as basically the entire Teaching boiled down to one simple question, but this question is so utterly profound that it usually takes Hearing it in so many different ways and over such an extended period of time that few remain committed to knowing:
“Who am I?”
However, this small sub-group soldiered on Hearing and sharing on a deeper level, and with a bit more intimacy and privacy than they had in the EOTS group but also remained in the EOTS group as well. They then began sharing what they were beginning to understand and know with the members of the EOTS group, in a sense becoming “Teachers” themselves.
Over the years the number of group members in EOTS would swing up and down … some people just could not Hear what was being shared with generous ears. It is very hard for The Ego to keep an open mind, while attempting to protect itself from its own demise. Some people left quietly and others left and made attempts to destroy The Teacher, to make him wrong and to convert others in believing that he is a bad man. Luckily their attempts would eventually fail, but often after they had done some pretty horrible things to his person. Those that remained began to see him more and more clearly and likened him to The Good Shepherd and themselves to the Flock under his care. Love, however, is a ruthless thing. Many will claim they love you and mean it in the moment that it is said, but The Ego is a wily beast and although it claims it seeks its own demise, often when it begins to happen:
The Ego fights tooth and nail against it.
You cannot be near The Teacher and not begin to lose who you think you are. In a sense, The Teacher is a “thought vacuum.” The Teacher sucks the thoughts/beliefs you have about yourself and everything else away, but does not replace those thoughts/beliefs with new ones, you just become empty.
Empty of yourself, of who you think you are.
This can be a very uncomfortable time for those that are full of themselves and was for many and many left and few returned. The Group became smaller and smaller, until only a precious few remained as The Teacher is a Turncoat, a renegade against The Ego, but The Ego cannot fight The Teacher because The Teacher does not have a side. There is no side for The Teacher to be on, in fact, The Teacher isn’t even actually against The Ego because there isn’t one. However, it takes a very rare individual to discover this and it is even rarer to find another one in the world once you do. However, if you have stumbled upon this story, you must have started to unravel from the strong ties the world binds one in, in the false belief of individuality and as you unravel, those that have unraveled before you, miraculously and mysteriously show up and as they do you become:
And find yourself:
A TURNCOAT WITHOUT A SIDE.
WALMART AND THE SACRED SPACE
January 8, 2017
Had a dream … one of those kinds where you are not fully asleep … you are skimming the edges of sleep, but don’t know it. In the dream I was in The Sacred Space and looked out the window and there was the face of a young black man looking up and in at me. It startled and then frightened me. I closed the blind quickly and sat on the floor of the room not knowing what to do … then the dream morphed into another dream … I was with two young boys and we were going into Walmart. As soon as we got inside we were excited like little kids in candy store and started running wildly all around … although I was in an adult body I was very child-like in person and seemed no more in age than the two boys I was with which seemed to be around eleven years old … we went to pay for something and the man at the counter asked me what was the deal with Christmas why was there always so much fighting around it and I paused only slightly before saying that it wouldn’t be a problem if everyone just minded their business and didn’t force one another to participate in it. The man bent down to pick something up and there was a woman at the counter too who was either keeping him company or worked there. I walked out the store with the boys and realized I had just spoken out loud and that freaked me a bit not only because I had spoken but because I had said something that didn’t feel true and so I checked in with myself and it came up that Christmas is Idol worship, but that it is still best to just leave the whole thing alone.
Dr. Bronner's is donating $5 million to MAPS for MDMA. :o)
Recently, actually on Saturday … Wayneji sent and email that sent the mind body into a tailspin. When I first read it, it hit like a ton of bricks ... a vision entered the mind of being hit, beaten upon by a man that am holding on to for dear life while begging him to help save me from myself. It was a very strange thing to see.
Some time past and I read it again … wondering if I am just “off” right now, because I am in a bit of a dark space … but the second time I read it, it hit even harder … like a bomb … that is what kept coming up after reading it and all day yesterday … I felt shell shocked or my idea of it … it felt like I had opened a Bomb and it had exploded and psychic shrapnel was stuck into some very tender regions.
This all transpired around the time the computer was being shut down … I went to respond and say something about how it was hitting me but the computer wouldn’t work … it was not working in a way that had never happened before and so I just quit and shut the whole thing down … but it didn’t stop whatever was going on in my person in doing so.
I felt sick with it yesterday. It is the first email from Wayneji where I have felt hated. I know this is all “my stuff” but still I felt so hated by him. I couldn’t shake it. So I stopped trying and just let it all be whatever it was being. I had no way I could help myself. It all seemed so justified. And it wasn’t just the head that felt sick the whole body felt sick.
Now tonight I am reading it again and nothing in it seems as something that would trigger such intense things, in fact it seems a rather casual email but it certainly was not received that way. Energy is a very strange and in this case intense thing. This week, or actually last week but it is still not finished … I have been tidying up a WRITING PRACTICE from September … it was started and nearly finished back then except for the last page and I put the last page in last week but still haven’t gone through an edited it yet. Well, I got a full dose of “Energies” on Saturday and yesterday … today I am just freaking tired.